Current mood:	loved
Entry tags:	phobe

Phobe- my furbie
I believe i had promised to post about my new crush. well its not new anymore,since its been over a month since i've liked her. its just, its grown a lot more.

So the girl i'm talking about is phobe, the girl i met in Hawaii. Let me try to update on how i've met her, and from there to present....

Around last year, around April ish, Lizzie and I were Audi couple (or married on Audi, i'm not sure), she introduced me to her friend Phobe. I really couldnt pronouce that name correctly at first so i called her Furbie. She didnt like the name, kinda like how xiaoty doesn't like her nick name. I only kept in very light contact with her, and when i told her i was gonna go to Hawaii, she got excited and really wanted to meet me. I didn't think much of it, because the idea of us together never crossed my mind. I usually block the idea of being with someone who is under 18, and look at only 18+. I'm a pretty legit person, so i like being "good" in terms of the law.

So Hawaii came, she completely blew away my expectations (which was very low, i didn't think much of it). After just meeting her once, i started to like her, Brandon and Janice kept teasing me about it, i guess they sensed it. Anyways, before we left Hawaii, I wanted to meet her at least one more time, so i convinced Brandon and Janice to go up to the other side of the island to meet her and do other things again. =P It worked, and in the end, it made me really happy. Phobe and I really hit it off, in terms of we got together really well. We did a good bye hug... and it proved... i'm pretty bad at hugging hahaha. I accidently x.x did... a... pat on her back. like a man hug. hahaha x.x i'm pretty embarrased about that, and she gave me a 1/2 hug anyways. she also said that it was because i pulled away too quickly for her to readjust to a full hug. So we tease each other about that all the time.

Anyways, after hawaii, we chatted on msn for a little bit, and then decided to couple up on audi. She wanted to ask me, but was too embarrased, so i ended up asking her. Then we got married on audi. Then, she started to really open up herself to me. In just a month, it went from "I like you" to "I love you" with her. I find myself talking to her on the phone up to the mornings, and just sharing days, thoughts, dreams, etc etc. She really did get attached to me, and i'm attached to her too. Right now we're probably at the highest point we can be in terms of long distant relationship wise. i'm not sure how long we'll stay up here, but... its nice. feels good to know someone honestly cares. I know anyone reading this most likely cares about me, but its not as much spoken as phobe puts it. Its probably because i tend not to let people care for me, because i can do most of anything by myself, or for myself, i'm very use to being independant. I still am very independant. But...its nice to know someone would actually have feelings for me ^^;; One that i've met and one that i would have back.

But I'm a realistic guy. I think i am at least. Theres 2 things holding back the relationship, and they kinda help each other. 1) Long distance 2) She's still young x.x

Long distance is hard, theres no physical contact that can be invovled. Which probably is a good thing because of the whole #2 thing. But theres been a lot of times, where i just wanted to hug and kiss her. ( >.< not something i usually would admit). So yea, Long distance sucks, but at least it'll keep me in check, in terms of how far i can go, epecially at this time. Next year though, she may study in Cali. Theres a small chance of that happening, so... if it does, yay. I'll be really glad. sadly, 1 year is a long time. We've gotten sooo much closer in just 1 month.

So theres also a concern that she's still 16. It makes me feel uneasy because, 16 year old girls can change a lot by the time their 18 - 20. A quick example is Janice. She use to LOVE people, and helping people out back when she was 16, but now that she's aroudn 18,19, she pretyt much hates people and don't trust people often. I was just lucky enough to be her friend before that started happening. Theres also the whole idea of people maybe looking down? or thinking badly of me for having feelings for a 16 year old. it does sound bad. a 5-6 year difference. It won't be a problem when she's 20, and im 25,26, but... at the moment, the gap does seem a bit too much. I mean, she's even younger than Rii! Plus the whole idea of legal issues too if something was to go bad. that wouldn't be good.

Other than that, i guess where we stand right now? Oh she asked me if she could put on her facebook that she was "complicated" with me. I said sure, but then found out that i had to accept that. So i did to make her happy, and its pretty true. Then for about a day, people have been asking about her, saying congratz like i won a contest. But my favorite response so far is from Lainey she said "She's lucky, Your a really good guy," and that made me really happy. I never really hear that. i try to prove it, but i never hear it. Maybe people may whisper it when i'm not around "oh james is a great guy" but never put any actions towards it -.-;; so i usually disregard it.

So yea, now i know who really pays attention to things i put up on facebook, or at least have an idea of who does.

Ah, finaly outlook and plans with what i'll do with Phobe:
Right now we aren't dating, we can still go find other people. She can go find people to date and go to prom with. I want it to be that way, because i can't go with her to that and i want her to experience that anyways. She said i could go find someone too but i know she doesn't want that to happen either. So i won't be actively searching for another, but you never know. Waiting sucks... i've waited for majority of my life. they never did end up working, but this one... its not that i won't wait for her, she's more like my long term investment. If she goes to college in utah like she wanted to, we won't be togeter irl until maybe after she finishes college. thats 4-5 years down the line. Even though i like her, and i think we could live confortably with each other, i don't think i can wait that long. >.< expecially for a first girlfriend. We could put it on hold for 4-5 years, but can't not be able to look at other girls without being able to phsyically be with her. It may sound selfish, but hopefully you see where i'm coming from.

Lainey's being put into the same position, she loves he boyfriend currently, but he's going to move to somewhere sort of far away. She's stuck in her city, and their relationship will turn into long distance. she and him agreed to be able to see others, and if the long distance doesn't work out, they will break up. She's my role model to be able to do that, cuz she DOES love her boyfriend.

AS for me and phobe, we're sort of stuck in that position too. We both have strong feelings for each other, but how much of it can be held, and for how long? our next time we can spot each other is probably in a year. so... we'll see.... we'll see...

I'm new to this game of love, so... -.- try not to bash my logic of this.
`Tk